Can I start by being honest? I am by no means a marriage expert. I’m still in my first 5 years of marriage and learning every single day new ways to make my relationship with my husband stronger. However, I am bold enough to share my experiences and tips with you because if it helped us, it could help you!
In this post, I’m sharing 7 steps I’ve learned that allowed my husband and I to have the loving and intentional marriage we worked hard to create and keep it that way even when adding kids to the mix. I’ll be covering:
- How not to let emotions get in the way
- How to communicate with your partner
- Respect and what it means to your partner
- The importance of dating your spouse
- The importance of a Power Hour
- The affects of PDA
- Creating an agreed on parenting style
If you’re ready to transform your mindset and your marriage, you’re in the right place! If you’ve ever found yourself with the same gut feeling that something needs to change as I have, then stop being so darn stubborn and let’s work on that junk!
How I changed the trajectory of my marriage with 7 steps
I used to hate when people would say your marriage comes before your kids. I never understood it. I felt like I was being told to choose my husband over my children. I love them all equally and if I am forced to love anything or anyone else outside of them, my heart just might burst. Then I realized it’s all about perception and what I was perceiving to be true was skewed by emotion.
Placing your marriage first is vital in any household and I now see that. If my husband and I aren’t in a good place, our kids aren’t in a good place. Those tiny humans pick up on anything and let me tell you, my baby girl has her mommas back and if I have an attitude with daddy, she’s got an attitude with daddy! (Atta girl! JOKING!) In her head, daddy did something wrong and we should give him the cold shoulder. That’s terrible! We are always so careful with our words and actions around our kids but when emotions come into play, everything gets thrown out the window. That’s when I knew I had to change how I acted, reacted, talked and behaved towards my husband. Our marriage models what our kids will look for in a future spouse and I want my daughter to know what love looks like from a man and my sons to know what it looks like to be respected and loved by a woman.
The sacrament of marriage is precious, submissive, giving over receiving, and loving your spouse as God loves us. Why is it that after we have kids, we tend to dismiss all of that? When I say “we” I mean me, not you, of course! I don’t necessarily think that we dismiss those things on purpose. I think that when our time is compromised and we enter a new phase of life that we are constantly learning in alongside marriage, it becomes hard to remember to prioritize your marriage. Before you know it, you’re drifting through life going through the marital motions by obligation because you are no longer intentional. This did not get fixed overnight, but we began implementing a few things into our routines. We began talking and when we didn’t know what to talk about, we spiced it up with this fun card game. We read books that also got us on the same page like, The 5 Love Languages or His Needs, Her Needs. There are many methods to get you and your spouse on the same page. These are a few that helped me!
Let’s dive into ways to make sure your marriage is an intentionally maintained priority!
7 Steps to an Intentional Marriage
- Get over yourself!
- My goodness… the number of times I’ve gotten in my feelings about something silly is embarrassing. I was being so extra and selfish in the moment because most of the time my expectations were skewed from what my husbands were…because I didn’t communicate. Let go of the idea that it’s just the way you are and realize that there are two people in a marriage that have to be willing to put their feelings aside to make things last.
2. TALK – Put it all out there!
- A close friend of mine shared with me that clearing the air in her marriage made them stronger than ever.
- How do you know what matters to one another without talking it out?
- Make a list of things you both want to bring to the table to WORK THROUGH (this is important). This is not the time to increase tension, it’s time to decrease it and increase affection and understanding. Don’t know where to start? Make it fun with this fun game from BestSelf.
3. Respect one another and LISTEN.
- I think about the times that I listened to respond to my husband, trying to defend myself and I still have to talk myself through listening sometimes. It’s about the both of you and how you both can feel wanted, respected, and loved more.
- These 2 books saved me in my thinking when it came to knowing what my husband my want or need from me. Check these two books out to learn for yourself how to transform your mindset when it comes to your marriage. The 5 Love Languages | His Needs, Her Needs
4. Date each other again!
- Plan dates at least 2x a month based on your need. My husband and I are very busy with kids, work, and passions so we decided to incorporate dates into our routine in a different way. Throughout the month we treat car rides as time to ask intimacy and thought-provoking questions. We also have the sitter come over an hour early so we can get a quick dinner date in before we head to our destination! More ideas are weddings, co-ed baby showers, and double or group dates! We use them all as ways to date each other.
- Communicate about when and who will plan the date, if it will be free or cost money, and budget for them.
5. Create a power hour once a week!
- Something my husband and I started doing a little over a year ago are power hours every Sunday evening at 9pm once the kids are down.
- This time is used to discuss marriage and what we need from each other, our calendar for the week, decide who will plan a date if it falls on that week, finances, parenting, business, and personal goals.
- We only have an hour, so we come with a few things in each area as a check-in because we always want to be on the same page.
6. Show affection around your kids!
- They need this! I find my daughter catching my husband and I hugging or kissing and she either smiles or she tries to join in. They also need to see you surprise your spouse with their favorite things, and loving gestures.
- Don’t get crazy now! But a simple touch on the back, opening the door for your spouse, or simply something that will fill their love tank will do your marriage and your kids some good!
7. Communicate about parenting styles before the tantrums start.
- Get good at not waiting to have these conversations until it’s too late. The last thing you want to do is have a disagreement about the way you discipline your child in the midst of a tantrum.
- If your little one sees their parents arguing during a tantrum, it may create another reason for them to act out.
This is marriage. Mine isn’t perfect. It’s a constant work in progress, especially if you have a few seasonal changes. It’s not easy and adding kids to the mix can create some complexity. Please believe that I want this for you!
Find your community and use your community. A few weeks ago I talked to a mentor of mine and she shared some of her tips with me around making it all happen as a mom, wife, employee, and business owner. She said the simplest thing that I incorporated into my own life and maybe there is someone in your community or even here, within this new community that can provide a small nugget for you to use and simplify doing it all. These 7 steps and the resources I used in the intimacy deck and books can be easily applicable to any marriage. Keep in mind, we don’t have to be perfect, but above all else, we need to keep our marriage as a high priority. As always, share your thoughts or tips below!
Below is access to the resources that helped me level up my marriage:
Together, we rise!
All of this!! Thank you for being so amazing and giving such valuable and raw advice!
I loved the part where you talked about your reaction to your husband was being mimicked by your daughter…. So good!