Boundaries are something I was never taught growing up, at no fault of my parents. They had no clue and growing up, I’m sure no one taught them how to set proper boundaries either. I’m talking about the ‘doing things you don’t really want to do’ type of boundaries. Learning how to say no, protecting your mental health, body, and right are so important not just for us as adults but as kids. I am still learning to say no to things. Especially when my husband wants to go do something that I truly do not want to do. I am a recovering FOMO wife, I’ll admit it! But our children need to learn boundaries early on and learn how to say “no”.

Why Would I Say “No” to The People I Love?

My goodness… This was me over a year ago. I would say “yes” out of obligation or because “they are our friends and family”. I would stress myself out with packed weekends, full weeks, and not enough time for myself to think! Or I’d sign up to do something because I was asked but knowing it would create dysfunction somewhere else. The one I am notorious for is committing to every birthday party when all of my friends now have 1-3 kids a piece. I would go broke trying to do that! I have a servants heart for sure but I had to learn when to say “no” and learn my limits. Jen Hatmaker taught me that in “For The Love”! I love that book! If your gut is telling you that you do not want to do something, don’t do it! Listen to your body. The way I make a decision is by measuring if it will benefit me or my family by doing it. Will this be beneficial and get me out of my comfort zone or will it make me extremely uncomfortable and miserable? Will this cause chaos in my family’s schedule or will it be good for my kids and husband to be involved? With kids on separate schedules, we have to think this way. Especially when we are in the years that we will never get back (every year)! Learn to say “no” for your own good! I only learned this a year ago and started implementing it. It is never too late!

Some ways to say “no” in a nice way:

• “I will have to respectfully decline. I cannot commit to anything else right now.”
• “I would love to help out but me saying ‘yes’ will create me having to say ‘no’ to my family in another area.”
• “We would love to come but our schedule will not allow us. Maybe another time?”

Why Would I Let My Child Say “No”?!

There are a few rules in our house. Two of them are, you are allowed to say “no” and we do not keep secrets. When your child says “no” for the first time, it has been a commonly dreaded word for parents everywhere. Because in general, we do not like being told “no” by a child when we are the parent, right? Something is definitely wrong with that mindset. Helping our kids say “no” is so so important because it helps protect them. It forces people to start asking questions first before touching or crossing a boundary and gives our kids the chance to give consent or simply say “no”. My mom loves saying, “give nana a kiss” or “come give nana a hug before I leave” or simply just grabbing our kids and kissing and hugging them. We taught her that she needs to ask for permission first and if our daughter says “no”, to respect her boundaries. She used to act sad like she was upset and we cut that off real quick too. She had some hurt feelings in the beginning but now she understands it’s not about her. It’s about teaching our kids to set boundaries with anyone. Our kids will not be taught to play into the emotions of others when they say “no” to someone. If you’re looking for a way to incorporate boundaries for your kids in a simple way, here ya go!

There are two ways I handle a “no”.

1. Explore why they are saying “no” and support them when creating healthy boundaries.

2. Redirect them to saying something else depending on the situation.

Example 1:

My child is getting ready for bed and she doesn’t want to brush her teeth and she says “no”.

My response: “Why don’t you want to brush your teeth? It’s healthy for you so that we don’t have sugar buggies for the dentist to find! I know you don’t like to brush your teeth but let’s find a way to make it fun! Let’s try saying ‘I don’t want to brush my teeth’ next time, okay? We can always find a solution for things we need to do!”

Example 2:

My child in response to someone trying to touch, hug, or kiss them: *Body language says “no” or she is pushing away and saying “no” or “no thank you”

My response for my child (and in front of my child): “She does not want to be touched, we respect bodies. When she says “no” it is not disrespectful or mean, it is her not wanting her body to be touched. Please respect that.”

*if they continue to argue, they can leave or we will leave*

What my daughter learns: She has the power to say no and to tell people why no matter who it is! She can be kind and say “no thank you” or she can be blunt and yell “no” depending on how she is feeling. I am okay with either. If someone does not listen to her “no” she knows to tell mommy or daddy.

Letting your child know they are supported in their decision is key. I used to tell my kid, “Give ‘so and so’ a hug!” and I still have to catch myself and say “Do you want to give ‘so and so’ a hug before they leave?”. This gives her the option. I always say “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s up to you!” I will back my babies up every single time on this because had I said “no” to people that made me uncomfortable or when I didn’t want to do something, I may not have run into some of the situations I was in growing up or in my adult years. My goal is to allow my children to protect their bodies and their power from an early age. If someone has a problem with it, they are the problem. We need to protect our kids by teaching them positive habits and boundaries.

I hope this gives those looking to set boundaries with people the freedom to do so and those who have no clue where to start, a starting point for yourself and your kids. Like, share, comment and follow! Your feedback matters as we create a safe community to thrive as women!

Together, we rise!